Why God Cheated Me?
An amazing thing happened to me 2 years ago. For a number of days I suddenly started vomiting and did not want to eat. I could easily guess I was experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy, but I was very surprised. I had hoped to get pregnant for 18 years but never did. But.....now.....after all the disasters in my life I had become pregnant. It's really hard to relive all those incidents of my life.
I was born 42 years ago in a village very near the Kathmandu valley. I was born to a poor family and in a society where education for girls was not necessary. My parents did not send me to school. I stayed home and helped my parents with farming.
When I was 16, I was married to a man who lived near my village. For the first 2 years of my marriage my family members did not give me much trouble. Then 2 years after the wedding I gave birth to a daughter. After her birth I suffered never ending bitter experiences. When I delivered my daughter, my mother-in-law reacted by saying that I had caused the first curse on her home and that I had brought unhappiness to the home by giving birth to a daughter. Similarly, my husband's cousin who was already married came to see the new born baby. The married couple reacted in the same way. Finally they stopped shouting at me and said that they hoped my next baby would be a son.
Days and months and years passed. My daughter turned 5 years and I had not conceived another baby. My mother-in-law made nonsense comments on a daily basis. She never spoke with me in a positive way. Her daily dominating behavior really upset me.
My husband never spoke to me openly but I could imagine from his shouting that he just followed his mother and was ready to do whatever his mother told him to do. I never could tell what he thought regarding the next children. He took me into the city near the village. He had business there. I had to cook food for him. At least I got some relief from my mother-in-law's torture. However, the torture doubled whenever I returned home for free time and the holidays.
When my daughter turned 7 years old, people in my village told me that my parents-in-law were searching for another wife for my husband. I was so shocked to hear this. I tried to talk with my husband about this, but he was as still as a stone and did not speak. I didn't have the courage to ask to my parents-in-law unless my husband said something first. So I just kept quiet and cursed my own fortune.
When my daughter turned 10, my parents-in-law told me that I could not do anything to continue their lineage because I was not able to deliver a male child for their family. They said that they needed a son at any cost. They trapped me telling me that either I needed to deliver a male child or I needed to let my husband marry another woman. I did not know how to respond to either statement. Neither could I give birth to a child, nor could I be happy allowing my husband to marry another woman. But my parents-in-law forced me to approve of my husband's second marriage. I had no options because I was financially dependent upon my husband.
The most important thing for me was to get food, shelter and educational support for my daughter. If I was capable enough to arrange money for my basic living, then I hoped that I could reject the marriage and I could challenge the family if they went against my will. So I was compelled just to stay quiet and let them fulfill their wish to have another daughter-in-law, another wife, for my husband. They wanted her to give birth to a son so their lineage could continue. In this way I had to approve of my husband marrying another woman and taking another wife.
There was no one who understood the grief and suffering that I felt after making such a heartbreaking decision. My family members happily started to search for a girl. I was the only one who was sad. It took quite a few years to find a girl for my husband because it was his second marriage and they wanted to find a girl who was fresh and young. Whenever the family members reacted with the sad face that they hadn't found a good girl for him to marry, my heart would be happy. They never tired in their search for a new daughter-in-law.
When my daughter was 17 years, I heard that they had found a girl. They finally decided to organize the wedding ceremony and they brought her to my home. I was injured deeply; I can't remember how much time I spent weeping and cursing my fortune. When just after one year my husbands' new wife got pregnant and delivered a son, everyone said even more that my womb was cursed. They felt that finally they had got what they wanted to be happy - a future caretaker and the lineage for their family. They were happy but they were attacking me again and again in different ways. I don't understand why I was treated in such an inhumane way for so long.
All interests, enjoyment, hopes and dreams were completely dead in my life. I was just a breathing body that did not have any emotions or feelings. 2 years after the birth of the new baby and when my daughter was 19 years old, I realized that I was pregnant. But I did not feel any happiness because of all the suffering I had gone through and because my husband's second baby -a son- had already been born. There seemed to be no use in having another baby in this last moment. Also, I was weak and lean. Because I was so upset I wondered if I should abort the child". I talked with my husband, but he didn't allow me to do so. He said that I should have an ultra sound and that if the baby was a male child then I should deliver the child no matter what my physical condition. The doctor confirmed that it was a male child.
I delivered the baby. Now I am busy taking care of him. Now I have two children, however I do not feel any happiness. "nobody cares and I am very tired". I feel that I was cheated by God. I was cheated in a way that I can never recover, never correct and never get new hope in my life. <
